That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Going round and round, with the baggage just piling on.
Maybe it’s the holiday season, maybe it’s the short days and cold weather, maybe it’s Maine, or the way Portland shuts down– in both the commercial sense, where the stores and activities close early or entirely for the season; and in the personal sense, where people just don’t want to be friendly and go out and be nice to people. We’re probably all experiencing some level of SAD.
I knew that winter would suck. Last winter was terrible. It was long and daunting, and I never thought it would end. I had a perpetual storm cloud over my head, just waiting to blizzard over me. I was holding on with laces, wearing down from the weight, threatening to snap. But spring came, and I didn’t need those laces– I broke free, and things looked good again, hopeful, full of life.
And winter is upon us again, and I’ve had to go back to those laces, worn and becoming threadbare. Here’s to hoping they won’t snap. It’s going to be a long season, perhaps even longer than last year.
But it’s sunny today, so while I feel like I’m losing my jaunt (and I apologize to everyone around me for being weird these last few weeks. I’m acutely aware of the strange things that have come dribbling out of my mouth and the idiotic look that has been frozen to my face), I hope this will make up for it, or explain some things:
I love New Year’s Eve. That’s my favorite holiday– you don’t have to worry about gifts, you get to buy a new frock, get a little glitzed up, and rock out with friends and have a bright and shiny time. The New Year brings hope and promise and fresh new start to a stale existence. Someone likened this to When Harry Met Sally (which has always been my favorite film– I definitely need to get that on DVD). I told him that that scared me. The first thing that flashed into my mind was the scene where Sally is overcome with desperation when she learns that her ex is getting married, and she doesn’t know where she went wrong in her life. The other part I saw was Harry alone on New Year’s, reassessing his life. But of course, he rushes to Sally and tells her that the moment you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want that moment to be now. One thing leads to another and happy ending.
I am nowhere near that. There is no chance or even prospect of that happening. I’m somewhere between Sally’s panicked lament, “and I’m going to be 40!!!” and the bewildered, alone on New Year’s Harry. My life plays out like a movie until the happy ending– just a series of comedic, pathetic mishaps to NO end.
I’m flying home again for Christmas this year. This year will be different. I will spending a few days with my parents, at their house. I called my mom and asked her if I’ll be sleeping on the floor again. She said yes, but I can bring my air mattress with me (like that doesn’t weigh 40 pounds and folds up into a 26″ suitcase). Because, you know, having more than one bed in a 5-bedroom house is a ridiculous concept, and keeping my old room totally void of any furniture is not weird, it’s just “minimalist.”
I’m leaving the Friday after; I could have stayed til New Year’s Day, but spending NYE with my parents, who will most likely go to bed well before the ball drops, is only slightly more depressing than passing out on my own couch alone, away from my hometown friends who are all coupled up, or have young kids, or will be somewhere more exciting.
At this point, I’m just carrying on, hoping that one day there will be an out, an open door to something bigger and more promising. This year went completely awry– I was supposed to move to Boston with my boyfriend, have an awesome job, make new friends, save a little money. Instead, my boss rescinded her offer to transfer me, my boyfriend broke up with me (rather unceremoniously, too– 4 1/2 years warrants a face-to-face conversation, or at least a phone call– not a cowardly text message, “I’ve reassessed my life and you’re not in it. By the way, I’m moving to Boston in the spring to open our new location and i’ve been offered an obscenely high salary. Good luck, bitch!”), I have no idea where everyone is, and I’ve been undergoing way too much retail therapy, so I have no idea where my money is either.
So, 2012: please collect your belongings, 2013 is en route and there’s no room for your crap.
Things You Realize After You Get Married said:
That’s the best part of New Year’s. You get to start fresh, on a clean slate and look forward to things you want to see happen in your life in the upcoming year (vs. focusing on things that didn’t happen in the previous year and most likely weren’t meant too). Best of luck on your 2013 journey and yes, say sayonara to 2012! ๐ Congrats on being FP!
cleveport said:
Thanks!!! ๐
mrscarmichael said:
Head down, chin up, Girl and I know how much it helps to write about it. Well, it did me anyway…..http://mrscarmichael.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/to-play-or-not-to-play-the-hiring-firing-or-friendship-game/ just as an example. I really hope 2013 is a better year for you and most certainly less minimal.
Timothy (Tim) Riecker said:
I know it sound clichรฉ, but it does get better… really. I had the year that you described a couple years ago. I was in a very abusive relationship that led me down a horrible path of self destruction. I lost my job, my home, and all my savings. I finally got the courage to leave her, moved back to my home town, found an amazing woman, and re-booted my career. While things are still not quite where I’d like them to be, I’m happier than I ever was. Hang in there!
cleveport said:
I know it’s a matter of time and a little persistence. I’m sorry you went through so much, but it sounds like you’ve not only rebounded but are soaring! Good luck!
mrscarmichael said:
So embarrassing……….http://mrscarmichael.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/to-play-or-not-to-play-the-hiring-firing-and-friendship-game/
see you wouldn’t have done THAT ๐
camdenstables said:
I hope you have a wonderful rest of 2012 and a very happy 2013. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. That boyfriend was not very nice, to put it mildly, and I hope you don’t spend too much more time thinking of him or his kind. Everyone can feel down regardless of who or what is in their life; this time of year seems to magnify things. Count your blessing with the countdown and I am sure you can make a difference for the better in your world.
cleveport said:
Thank you for your kind words! Have a wonderful holiday season and New Year!
bodhisattvaintraining said:
wow to that text message!
tis the season….that’s all I can say about it ๐
cleveport said:
That text came out of the blue, too. If we were having problems and he decided he wanted out, that would have made sense, too. Well, at least it was honest? Ha!
bodhisattvaintraining said:
Honest would have been to let you know something was up sooner ?! Says more about him than you I think ๐
spinning faster said:
Oh do I know the feeling…literally, I was dumped via text by a man (boy, rather) after 3 years, I had just left my job and was living with my parents. But I have found that just as quickly as everything can fall apart at the same time, things can come together. Cheers to a Happy NEW Year, I’ll hope for your happy ending!
cleveport said:
Thank you! I wish you the best!!
lpatangan said:
Your humor and honesty are joyful even if the sentiment behind them is not. Wishing you the very best in the coming year!
cleveport said:
Thank you! Have a wonderful new year!
nikmariegreen said:
I love the last line! Definitely a good sentiment to have, heading into the New Year ๐
cleveport said:
Thank you for reading this! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Yorick von Fortinbras said:
Wow, that’s some vicious break up text. Good luck.
segmation said:
Have a good holiday and good luck with your new job!
cleveport said:
Thank you!
segmation said:
Have a great day! http://www.segmation.com
segmation said:
Have a great day! http://www.segmation.com
home repair said:
Hi there, I log on to your blogs daily. Your writing
style is witty, keep it up!
home repair
cleveport said:
Thank you! That’s so nice of you! ๐
Robin Lawrimore said:
This year is closing out differently than any one I can recall in quite some time. It’s like there’s a squeeze on, like we’re being pulled through a narrow place. I said this week I feel like I’m on a moving sidewalk like those in airports, and it’s taking me somewhere, dropping me at some gateway to arrive at a destination yet unknown. …There is some excitement in that. At least the story I’m living is not boring! Blessings of peace to you. Glad to have found your space here.
saltandserenity said:
Wishing you a joyous 2013! Although the subject is sad, your writing is quite wonderful. Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Geoff said:
Being able to consistently look at the horizon and think, “Yes, over that next hill is my door to what I’ve been looking for.” is quite possibly the most enviable of all traits. I loved the reference to everything that precedes the happy ending as being “a series of comedic, pathetic mishaps to NO end.” It’s a dark sense of humor that is aware of your situation. Humor and hope can get you through anything and you seem to have an overabundance of both. Now, here’s to 2013 being the one.
cleveport said:
I find it easier and more entertaining to find the humor in my misadventures than to cry over them. Thanks for reading and enjoying!
broadsideblog said:
That is one mean damn boyfriend! Good riddance….Sorry you had such a rough year and hoping 2013 brings you much joy (and a MUCH nicer beau.) Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
cleveport said:
Thank you! I wish you a wonderful new year, too!
Roshni said:
I was drawn to this post by the title. And right from the first line, I knew I’d love it. Just that, by the end, I don’t know what to say what I want to say. I really connect to your situation. I might be miles away from you, with entirely different problems…but in essence, I feel the exact same way as you do (in this post). Loved this, beyond words! I’m so glad you got Freshly Pressed and I came across your post! Congratulations on the FP! Hope your SAD passes soon, giving way to something more hopeful and happy.
cleveport said:
Thank you for reading this! I’m very happy to hear that you enjoyed my post, and it’s a good feeling to know that someone has made a connection with me. All the best!! Cheers!
Ritu KT said:
I loved your post and while reading your post I was nodding every few seconds. My 2012 hasn’t been a piece of cake either. But now that it is coming to an end, I too am looking forward to a fresh start. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
cleveport said:
Here’s to a new year and bright beginnings! Cheers!
Simple Heart Girl said:
I feel your pain. I really do because 2012 has been just about the worst year for me. I moved to Europe because my boyfriend of three years asked me to and then 6 months later he told me to leave, that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and that I didn’t belong there. I came back to no job (still haven’t found something full time), no home (I am living in my mother’s guest room), and (we’re going on now) a 9-month depression. To be honest, I don’t really see 2013 being that much different, and I wish that come 12:01am, January 2nd things would magically get better, but I know they won’t. For now I have my cat (his cat that he didn’t want anymore so I took her) and running.
P.S. I kind of hate it when people tell me it’s going to get better because it makes me think they know something I don’t. Like they’ve already seen my future and are just keeping the info from me. Which seems unfair.
cleveport said:
That’s just terrible. I’m deeply sorry to hear that you’re going through so much. I’m not going to say it’ll get better, or that it’ll get easier. I don’t know your future. The new year might not be different. But don’t lose hope. Keep persevering and look for the positive, no matter how small those things might seem. I know that’s easy to say, and sometimes it sounds glib or vapid, even. But sometimes it sticks, and even if your surroundings don’t change, your approach does. It’s not easy to move on and ahead when you’re down; one day, I can’t tell you when, you will be able to put this behind you.
One of my favorite instant cheer-me-ups is to go into a card shop and read all the funny cards they have. Or go into a bookstore and check out the humor section. Reading something funny gives me a good laugh and takes my mind off things for a bit. Small pleasures…
Amanda Marrazzo said:
Awe! Here’s hoping everything turns around for you! And what a jerk! Did he really text you that horrible message?!?!?!? Moron!
cleveport said:
Yes, he did! I told him I refuse to have the conversation over text, but he wouldn’t give me enough respect to call and talk about things. I’m more insulted right now than anything else. His loss. Really! Better to find out sooner than later, I suppose.
Amanda Marrazzo said:
How can some people be so cold!? Move on!! (But he does give you good material for writing…)
ETrade Supply said:
I’m suffering from emotional disorder recently. Like what you mentioned, 2013 is on the way, farewell to all the bullshit sadness.
jmmacookiemonster said:
I hope the rest of 2012 goes well for you…and that for new years, you can just rip all those luggage off that carousel, take only the ones you want and head out of the airport. Hopefully, then, you will realize “Hey, I’m in Hawaii!” or something like that…
Best of luck!
roweeee said:
I hope you find a really lovely pressie underneath your Christmas tree of dreams.Hey, you can always chase the sun and fly south for the winter. I’m in Australia and while I can’t guarantee you perfect weather, it has to be better.
manandhis2dogs said:
Good luck in 2013!
OyiaBrown said:
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Barbara H Gonnella said:
“So, 2012: please collect your belongings, 2013 is en route and thereโs no room for your crap.”
AMEN!!!
It's only P! said:
Wow, very well written! I’m hugely critical, a real nitpicker when it comes to writing, so honestly, my opinion counts *grin.*
As you no doubt know, one can feel most alone when one is actually with someone. So spending NYE or Xmas on your own should be no big deal. Society makes it a big deal though. I’ve been single for a couple of years now, consciously and purposefully, and I’ve noticed that people have always asked me what I’m doing for Christmas.
I cook a chutney, a really large pot of mango and apricot chutney so it will last me until after summer including a few gift jars. I’ll play loud jazz music, or maybe Prince or Paganini, I’ll see. So much better than having my sister come to stay with me because she feels sorry for me! (She actually offered; I passed).
NYE I do something else. I don’t want to leave my pets alone at home and I’d actually hate leaving home that night anyway. Perhaps I’ll work on finishing my manuscript, who knows, the choice is mine, and mine alone. I will not feel lonely, but free.
In terms of pathetic mishaps, break the spell girl, break the spell.
A dearly beloved of mine lives in Portland, ME. Please send a blow kiss from me. ๐
cleveport said:
I’m happy to hear I made the grade ๐
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Maybe one day I’ll get to read your manuscript!
It's only P! said:
Better still, to read the Bestseller I wrote! ๐
BTW, I follow your blog too, but I do it on the sly, so to speak. Blogs that interest me make my Bookmarks. If I were to be alerted by e-mail I’d do nothing else but read blogs…
brain4rent said:
most importantly, you do not have to wait for New Years to start over…you can do it any random day and make a holiday out of a bleak December Wednesday, for example..and this seems particularly lucky since you already got a lift being freshly pressed (congrats) .enjoy your holiday…
Pingback: What Can You Say? « A Kiss Of Bliss
HLW said:
Hell yes…I say the Chinese zodiac should single out 2012 as “The Year of the Disappointment”. Personally, I feel like I have been holding my breath since about September, waiting for 2012 to be in the rearview mirror…I think I’m turning blue…
La Lune Sanctuaire said:
I was in Maine Last year in the winter, Irish pubs helped but I never had the Lobster ๐
dsmythjr said:
I was waiting for the reference about how when luggage comes around on the carousel everyone seems to touch and prod at it thinking it may be theirs.
Prometheus said:
Wow! It seems like you don’t pull your punches when talking about your life. If I were you I’d say “2013 will be the year I went easy on myself” and I hope everything will be much better for you this year. As Rumi says “If something you desire doesn’t happen it’s because something better will”.